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Wait, where was I going?


You know when you are on your way to a happy and accomplished life, and then you’re just not? Following the passing of my grandmother, the betrayal of my ex best friend/girlfriend, and the passing of two of my dogs consecutively I decided it was time to put the booze down and fulfill my lifelong destiny of having a stable job. I enrolled in an automotive tech school, was hired by a huge automotive rental company before finishing school, found myself at the gym 5-6 days a week, and feeling amazing. Averaging 4 miles of cardio and strength training daily resulted in feeling untouchable, and nothing could bring me down. I felt unstoppable and my new body had me feeling like a chiseled ninja turtle, not the new generational turtles that facilitate entertainment for children who are too afraid to go outside and play or have anxiety over what pronouns to call themselves. I’m a woman that likes to fuck women, and occasionally drools over a hot man. There, I said it. It’s really not that serious or complicated. That is my personal opinion, however my professional opinion as a counseling student would have to disagree.


Where were we? After the horrible decision of getting involved with a married woman with children and actually believing that it was more than just sex for her. Ha! Can you imagine that? A Sagittarius not in it for the sex. I found myself enrolled in traditional college pursuing a degree in psychology. I thought, “hey I was at my lowest and pulled myself from the ashes, let me share my gift with others.” If I learned anything from my psychology courses, it’s that I need therapy! I swore off women because of the mess I found myself in and focused on self-improvement. Sleep, work, gym, eat, homework, repeat. Then, the universe placed me and this itty-bitty woman with a tiny waist and gigantic booty in the same classes and study groups together. She was intelligent, mature, responsible, and beautiful. Most importantly she was mean and once left me talking to myself on a staircase when I was working up the nerve to ask her out to eat. No one had ever been so rude to me, and I immediately knew I would marry her one day. Ah, just the stability I needed! So, beautiful woman, automotive career is going well, focusing on being a writer, and pursuing a degree at UTEP to eventually become a licensed therapist/counselor. Then, my hair starts falling out. I go from having long, thick hair all the way down to my waist to being completely bald.


Timing was impeccable, here I was going places. Turns out the only place I was going was home to hide in disbelief and sadness. Prior to losing my hair I had received a generous raise and shortly after I was laid off because it was April 2019, and the world didn’t even know what was coming. Well, the scientists in the Wuhan Lab surely knew what was coming, but us entitled land of the free bastards were too comfortable laying under refrigerated air, drinking a Starbucks complaining about too many commercials to even see that cough coming. Some argue it was a political stunt, but I picture the new intern Cheung nervously transporting vials of a deadly virus and tripping over his untied shoelaces. Months later, here we are sticking swabs up our nostrils screaming at people to wash their hands. Who the fuck doesn’t wash their hands? The irony is that Cheung means good luck.


After intense meditation, switching to an anti-inflammatory diet, and hours of research on immunology, autoimmune disease, and how gut flora affects immunity I started to contemplate wearing a wig. I thought oh my, a wig. How do I put it on? Should I go to a salon that specializes in wigs, should I reach out to my boujee friends that wear wigs for fun? Then, I started to think if I wear a wig with beautiful curls and an ombre I’m going to have to wear makeup. Then, I thought if I put make-up on, I’m going to have to dress like you know a girl. “Well that escalated quickly.” I felt ugly and insecure, and I ran errands with a ballcap not really knowing what my future would look like. I ended up spending a ridiculous amount of money building a home gym in my garage and laid low. Thankfully my hair grew completely back within a year and a half. Although I did learn how to be more patient and kinder with myself, I haven’t been able to find my way back.


In 2019, I inherited my grandmother’s estate, received death threats from my mom’s brothers, my mom had a cancer scare, my niece had a complicated surgery to relocate a main artery vein, I worked endlessly for a boss who was never satisfied, and I placed an immense amount of pressure on myself to graduate with high honors. I quickly learned I was being too hard on myself. All this and I still had COVID and quarantine to look forward too. In the attempt to battle my insecurities of feeling inadequate and like I wasn’t enough, I learned one valuable thing. It’s not that I wasn’t doing enough, I was doing too much!

I.F

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